July 23, 2010

• Looonnngg work update

  I'm listening to Kylie Minogue's Aphrodite ... previews.. on Amazon.  I'm not usually into techno/dance/electro pop but I like this album ...

  Today I had an anxiety attack.  I was at work, and I had like five different memos all telling me they were to be done ASAP and priority... then G. started putting all the files in F.'s office onto my shelf.  I was getting a little wired trying to figure out which one of my memos to do first coz I wanted to do all of them but obviously I can only focus on one action at a time... and then she was putting all these files on the shelf telling me I was going to get to them eventually... ...my mind exploded.  (I had other stuff to do, in addition to the "priority" memos.  I rarely have anything on my shelf because I work hard to get caught up on my work -- and in one instance she filled it all up and then some.  I don't mind work per se, nor do I mind lots of work, as I now know I'll get to it, step by step, I'll get all of it done, one by one... but it was the pressure of like 5 different memos all needing to be done FIRST.)

  I was feeling anxiety frustrated annoyance anger sad upset .. I didn't know how to deal with it, as this is the first time this has happened at work.  (I've felt a general mood of anxiety b4, but not an attack.  I've felt anxiety attacks b4, but not at work.)  I felt like my blood is racing, I was tense and on edge, I wanted to think logically but I couldn't.  I felt "frozen" and couldn't concentrate on my work, I didn't want to do the stuff with lots of steps because I didn't want to forget any steps.  I waited for faxes to come in, I sat staring off to space with a memo in my hand and couldn't care if an attorney walked by my desk and saw me like that.  I wanted to say something, I wanted to go on twitter or facebook and post something but it didn't feel like the right medium.  (I tried to reason with myself by writing my logic down, but it was of limited use.)  I tried to work on stuff that didn't require too much thought.  I don't know why I couldn't speak up, but I could only mutter things to myself under my breath, like "I'm going to freak out! ahh..." or "gddmt" ... or "I knew I shouldn't have come to work today" ... not sure if anyone heard.  More than an hour passed like that, I went to the bathroom to clear my head, if the only cure was time I didn't see when that would happen, it kept building up and I knew I needed some sort of outlet but I was forcing everything to be internalized.. I also didn't want to have an uncontrollable reaction to something.

  At some point Q. walked by and asked, are you okay christina?  Since my emotions probably show through very well at work I must've looked like a mess.  All that anger/frustration/upset... As I answered her I teared up and cried a little.."sniffles"... it was like a release because I had been on the verge of crying b4 and wanted to hold it in.  I think it was because of relief that someone finally voiced or acknowledged what I couldn't voice myself, that something might be wrong.  The thing about Q is that while she was near impossible to be comfortable with off the bat, I've really come to understand her better.  The good thing is that in a situation like this, where she shows her soft side (because she cares) it feels real, not done just because it's the social norm (to see someone in distress and ask how they're doing).  And there's no "backlash" because she's not going to stigmatize you for feeling bad today.. but she also won't give you any excuses for not dealing with things in a better way .

  Anyway.  Lunch afterwards was good..

  It's been about a year at work.  Things got a lot better after the new person was hired in March, and I started a "stress-free" Post-it system after returning from vacation in May .. which has made work tons better.  I do get a lot of stuff to do, because I keep catching up and it pushes them to teach me new things.  But more responsibilities means a lot of stuff automatically comes to me now even when I do have stuff to do.  So far, so good, just not today when everyone decided to give me a memo saying "me first!"  And people-wise, I've come to know them better... and appreciate them beyond basic respect and benefit-of-the-doubt.

  I couldn't see it coming today, but next time I will be better prepared and will not get as overwhelmed as I did today.

  I'm on a horse.

  Swandive.

  • 11:33 pm
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