January 17, 2011

• I wanted to post an update. There is a ray of light despite the clouds I'm working on being more 'constant' and less 'variable.' Thanks for reading.

  

  I have no idea how to live life. Maybe no one does, but I feel so depressed about being so ill-equipped. Work is so toxic I honestly should have never started there. But I need to have income in order to afford a place to live. And I might be moving out soon, once mom and dad decide where they are going. I am looking for jobs, and I hope I can work at a larger company with a goal that I support, preferably something in the realm of social change. I've never been the type to desire money or power, but now I see the sense in both. When I see something I don't have, all it translates into in my mind is, privilege. And my justice complex really kicks in. I am trying to learn not to be so negative. Sometimes I succeed, when I focus on being "good" (like when people ask if you want anything and you say, "I'm good." That kind.) because that's what people who care for me would want to know how I'm doing. Sometimes, I tell myself the most important thing is to keep taking action because action precludes apathy and doubt and inner criticism. More surprisingly, I'm taking steps toward claiming what God wants to give me without being helpless or dependent. I have an action plan for the new year that includes taking care of myself, inwardly and outwardly, from getting enough sleep to filling my life with things I value most. The plan grounds me, but inspiration comes from other people: people who respect themselves and others, and never discount how you feel or how they feel. People who aren't afraid to share their happiness, and, by example, encourage you not to hoard yours. People who inspire you to be more than your feelings of inadequacy. Unfortunately, I don't always feel hopeful. Sometimes I feel like a robot, or alienated from anything good by my own insanity. Sometimes my body and soul are in repulsion and everything whirls away from me so fast there is no room for trying. Sometimes I feel downright mad for talking to a perceived god. Sometimes my action plan is all plan, and no action. It's not the fact that things are out of my control that wears me out. It is that now even my own emotions and present states of mind aren't within my grasp. It's not the unknown future that scares me, but how easily my mood can shift without warning. I used to like keeping the variables to a minimum, but now the variable is me.

  • 2:08 am
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