Secret Stairs - Mt. Washington

January kinda flew by.  I've been trying to have a more active lifestyle.  I'm part of a meetup group that combines stair-climbing and urban exploration.  I get exercise and explore LA while at it  I'm also thinking of joining a dance class.  I'd forgotten how fun dance is since I last took ballroom dancing.

I'm excited that I have friends in various parts of the States.  I get to plan vacations to visit them and get to meet them when they travel through.  I'm going to SF in a few weeks.  I'll see one of my friends I haven't seen since graduation!

Chinese New Year is coming up and it's our year, haha (Year of the Rabbit).  My parents and I will probably celebrate with my grandparents.  There's no better time than now to spend time with them.  Unfortunately, my mom's biological mother and my dad's mother he's known since 12, passed away in recent months.  I wasn't terribly close with them, but nothing's permanent and this is a reminder of that.

I had my first food truck experience last month.  I've had banh mi, bulgogi spring rolls, and pan de lechon.  They tend to be on the expensive side considering portion size.  I would be willing to try the more famous ones, like Kogi.

I also received my first jury summons, for the first week of the new year!  I phoned in and didn't have to go, however.  As for work, I'm getting along better with my coworkers, even if it's only learning not to take myself seriously.  This is a hard way to learn it, but admittedly, I wouldn't have learned it another way.  Which reminds me, I have to file my taxes.

Photos from working in the kitchen:

Vietnamese spring rolls

Sliders, inspired by the Pioneer Woman

Cornbread

I wanted to post an update. There is a ray of light despite the clouds I'm working on being more 'constant' and less 'variable.' Thanks for reading.

I have no idea how to live life. Maybe no one does, but I feel so depressed about being so ill-equipped. Work is so toxic I honestly should have never started there. But I need to have income in order to afford a place to live. And I might be moving out soon, once mom and dad decide where they are going. I am looking for jobs, and I hope I can work at a larger company with a goal that I support, preferably something in the realm of social change. I've never been the type to desire money or power, but now I see the sense in both. When I see something I don't have, all it translates into in my mind is, privilege. And my justice complex really kicks in. I am trying to learn not to be so negative. Sometimes I succeed, when I focus on being "good" (like when people ask if you want anything and you say, "I'm good." That kind.) because that's what people who care for me would want to know how I'm doing. Sometimes, I tell myself the most important thing is to keep taking action because action precludes apathy and doubt and inner criticism. More surprisingly, I'm taking steps toward claiming what God wants to give me without being helpless or dependent. I have an action plan for the new year that includes taking care of myself, inwardly and outwardly, from getting enough sleep to filling my life with things I value most. The plan grounds me, but inspiration comes from other people: people who respect themselves and others, and never discount how you feel or how they feel. People who aren't afraid to share their happiness, and, by example, encourage you not to hoard yours. People who inspire you to be more than your feelings of inadequacy. Unfortunately, I don't always feel hopeful. Sometimes I feel like a robot, or alienated from anything good by my own insanity. Sometimes my body and soul are in repulsion and everything whirls away from me so fast there is no room for trying. Sometimes I feel downright mad for talking to a perceived god. Sometimes my action plan is all plan, and no action. It's not the fact that things are out of my control that wears me out. It is that now even my own emotions and present states of mind aren't within my grasp. It's not the unknown future that scares me, but how easily my mood can shift without warning. I used to like keeping the variables to a minimum, but now the variable is me.

I'm just completely unraveling at the seams, it feels.  Coping.

This was my first time making bread!  I got the copycat recipe for Black Angus' Molasses Bread online.

The dough before kneading.  Don't worry, there's a piece of Saran Wrap covering the counter.

I put it in a grease bowl to rise.

There's a lot of waiting involved with making bread.  Here is a peek inside at the dough:

After you wait, you have to punch down the bread.  This bread is waiting to be punched.

Separate into loaves.  Then wait another hour.

The bread is ready to be baked.

Ta-da!  Did the bread look or taste like...

..the real deal?

Not really, but it was pretty good.  It had a sweet taste to it and a good texture

It was my first time working with yeast. Good thing I was prepared for how they would look, though I still get squeamish. I prepared the lukewarm water, gave it the sugar it wanted, and left it alone. "Hope I don't kill the little creatures.." I muttered under my breath.  Suddenly, I noticed a motion out of the corner of my eye.  It's alive!!  It had doubled and was making its exit from the cup I had put it in... Needless to say, I quickly took care of that.  Thus, I present to you..

Things you might have heard had you been there while I was making bread:

"Now I know how Big Anthony felt when the pasta started overflowing (from Strega Nona)..."

"Good thing I picked the strong chopsticks.  ......I think my strong chopsticks are going to break."

"That's it, I'm working with inactive ingredients from now on."

(to yeast) "Stop in the name of love!"

"Some people have every emotion and therefore seem emotionless."

Is this true?  Kinda like how if everything's thrown at you, you're frightened, angry, relieved, everything! at the same time... you may even appear emotionless..  If that's true, then maybe people could also have every desire and therefore seem unmotivated.. for example, you want to do everything so you feel paralyzed.  Or, maybe a person could have every expectation and therefore seem easily impressed.  That is, someone who seems agreeable could actually be a bundle of disappointment.

I watched the third episode of Glee today. It was called, Grilled Cheesus. I thought the episode was fairly top-notch. You just wouldn't see religion and spirituality dealt with in such a manner on any other TV show, or it hasn't yet. The ensemble cast allowed for a variety of viewpoints. I share sometimes more than one.

I shared Finn's journey, from thinking God exists, to eating the sandwich that made it all seem real and tangible to him. I've been there, in the worshipful stage, and I've gone there too, to the disappointed and resentful. My journey was not as frivolous; I made my own decisions and did not get told by a guidance counselor that God doesn't speak through sandwiches. I also was not selfish like Finn, nor as ignorant, I truly had a desire to follow God.

I also share (*or maybe "feel" is better) Mercedes' passion and faith. I think she has that combination of faith and ability to evangelize. I'm not that really that kind of a person, never was. I'm not the people-person, let's say. But she was able to break through to Kurt and bring him to church when no one else's religious talk got through. Nor does she waver in her beliefs. And what she said, we all need to believe in something bigger than us, rings true. Even though I don't say that I'm a Christian now, I still hold beliefs in other things, namely, the human endeavor.

Quinn. I don't share her fair-weather Christian views, though I understand her character is a stereotype. She fundraises for Cheerios with churches, acting as the teenage mother now reformed. She wears a cross. No doubt she finds herself on the right side of the fence, but whether she really is, is to be determined.

Mr. Shue. He played the teacher so wonderfully, to a T. He was appropriately tolerant and appropriately sympathetic. That he did not also scrunch up his face with emotion while his students were singing are a testament to the well-balanced teacher he is.

Sue. The first episode I ever saw of Glee, I saw that Jane Lynch is above and beyond the rest in terms of acting, and that if nothing else, she would be the reason to watch the show. But I digress. Sue is interestingly nuanced in this episode with regard to her spirituality. She complains that Glee Club isn't separating church and state, tells the guidance counselor her reasons are because of the way “God” didn't answer her prayers to “fix” her sister... instead of not praying hard enough, she realized it's because no one's listening. I can relate. I've run the gamut, my gamut, of devotion... (what a smarmy word) … of perseverance... of humility... of faithfulness... of surrender. And it was painful. But in the end, I realized it wasn't because I wasn't surrendering enough. It was because there was no one there, or at the very least, no one appeared to be there despite my cry for help. Like Sue, I stopped believing. She talks to her sister while playing checkers. Her sister says she doesn't believe God makes mistakes. Her innocence and faith is great. And Sue rethinks her position... letting the Glee Club sing, “What if God was one of us?” I don't have a sister who can do the same for me; either people don't understand my quarrel and therefore say the wrong thing, or they don't care and therefore are of no help, or they understand but have nothing to say. (*Though, I will be the one to deal with it, because it is my quarrel)

I can't say I like how the episode makes those who are not Christian (Jews, agnostics, or atheists) (*or rather, those who are nonreligious) to be “broken vessels,” as one commenter wrote. As if you need faith in order to be well-adjusted or “okay” in life... I cried during this episode. I didn't know if I wanted Kurt's dad to be well or for his coma to last a couple of episodes, but it's just as well. Every time someone tried to introduce their beliefs and offer it to him just in case he was interested, I felt a twinge of satisfaction when he said no. He did agree to go to church, but even in the end, he tells his dad, “I don't believe there is a god.” I guess the episode did a good job of taking the topic of religion and showing the malleability of people's approaches to it. You can flat out refuse while being tolerant. You can be hesitant but open-minded. You can be for it, through and through. Me? I'm different things at different times. I'm equal parts hurt, agnosticism, and identity crisis.

Update on my eyes.  Ever since I stopped wearing contacts, a lot of the dry eyes has gone away, but I still get blurred vision sometimes (but much improved).  A relatively newer development, though, is an occasional film on the surface of the eye that blinking doesn't seem to help.

I have become less stressed and more confident around the office.  Yay!

I woke up this morning and a part of my back felt funny.  Since habits can take 3 weeks to form, I'm going on a 3-Week Trial Run of having good posture.  According to msn.com, this means I should see the tops of my shoes without craning my neck and my ears should be lined above my shoulders.

Day One: I've already slouched at work and at home.  "D" for Good Effort, but neeDs to try harDer.

Friendships. They are a very complicated thing.

Okay so nothing I write will be unique, since everyone's met hundreds of people and experienced the similar emotions I've felt. So this is more to get things off my chest:

I really want to find people who are on the same page as me. I don't mean my one goal in life is to find my BFF, not just because it sounds cheesy (j/k), but because I don't intend to make it my one goal. I would like to find likeminded individuals in my area, but not as a goal above all else.

Friend 1. Absent, but reliable mirror. By mirror, I mean someone who sees things for what they are and can tell you so in terms you and her (or him) understand.

Friend 2. Present, but unreliable.

Friend 3. Absent and unreliable. Need I say more? It's obvious these types of people automatically aren't in your life.

Friend 4. Present, and reliable. Ahh.. this is the best kind. I'm looking for a Friend #4.

I have friend #1s who are unfortunately not as present as I'd like for them to be. But when I do get a chance to talk with them, it is absolutely a thrill... it is complete "you GET me" and the train of thought flows with candor, humor, and presents lots of food for thought to digest along the way. The last I talked to one of my friends was probably in May and our one hour+ convo flooded me with joy that honestly the rest of the world faded into the background, it was THAT compelling. The downside about not having a present friend is that conversations are limited to once or twice a year, at best... and there can be questions about how much effort is the other willing to put into maintaining the friendship.

I have many present, but unreliable mirror friends... and this is not by any fault of theirs. It just means we are unreliable mirrors for each other, that how I see the world is not how they see the world. It means they push and pull at my boundaries of what is acceptable, increase the angles with which I can view things, and make me more well-rounded. The prerequisite of course being open-mindedness. The postrequisite, then, being able to embrace something that strikes one as weird or unfamiliar, even scary. I am very grateful in learning from such people in my life, emphasis on very, but I have come to a point in my life when I realize what is good to have isn't necessarily what I need to have.

...And what I need are friends who are present and reliable mirrors. These friends live in your area. You see them often. You are included in hangouts. You may be part of a group with "dotted" boundaries. Having a different personality is okay because everyone's got their own. There is enough common interests to spend time together on, but there are enough separate interests that there is something new to be learned from one another. There's respect. And when thoughts are shared, there is palpable understanding.

I'd like that very much.

writing songs on guitar
searching for a new place with the parents
shopped at kohl's.  had the absolute most amazing check-out cashier ever.
went to a spanish language meetup

saw ABBA Tribute Band

drew "cranky" birds .  remember the doodles I've posted on Xanga before? ^^

Currently feeling:
"And you really need to see part of the world to feel like you've come home."

I'm listening to Kylie Minogue's Aphrodite ... previews.. on Amazon.  I'm not usually into techno/dance/electro pop but I like this album ...

Today I had an anxiety attack.  I was at work, and I had like five different memos all telling me they were to be done ASAP and priority... then G. started putting all the files in F.'s office onto my shelf.  I was getting a little wired trying to figure out which one of my memos to do first coz I wanted to do all of them but obviously I can only focus on one action at a time... and then she was putting all these files on the shelf telling me I was going to get to them eventually... ...my mind exploded.  (I had other stuff to do, in addition to the "priority" memos.  I rarely have anything on my shelf because I work hard to get caught up on my work -- and in one instance she filled it all up and then some.  I don't mind work per se, nor do I mind lots of work, as I now know I'll get to it, step by step, I'll get all of it done, one by one... but it was the pressure of like 5 different memos all needing to be done FIRST.)

I was feeling anxiety frustrated annoyance anger sad upset .. I didn't know how to deal with it, as this is the first time this has happened at work.  (I've felt a general mood of anxiety b4, but not an attack.  I've felt anxiety attacks b4, but not at work.)  I felt like my blood is racing, I was tense and on edge, I wanted to think logically but I couldn't.  I felt "frozen" and couldn't concentrate on my work, I didn't want to do the stuff with lots of steps because I didn't want to forget any steps.  I waited for faxes to come in, I sat staring off to space with a memo in my hand and couldn't care if an attorney walked by my desk and saw me like that.  I wanted to say something, I wanted to go on twitter or facebook and post something but it didn't feel like the right medium.  (I tried to reason with myself by writing my logic down, but it was of limited use.)  I tried to work on stuff that didn't require too much thought.  I don't know why I couldn't speak up, but I could only mutter things to myself under my breath, like "I'm going to freak out! ahh..." or "gddmt" ... or "I knew I shouldn't have come to work today" ... not sure if anyone heard.  More than an hour passed like that, I went to the bathroom to clear my head, if the only cure was time I didn't see when that would happen, it kept building up and I knew I needed some sort of outlet but I was forcing everything to be internalized.. I also didn't want to have an uncontrollable reaction to something.

At some point Q. walked by and asked, are you okay christina?  Since my emotions probably show through very well at work I must've looked like a mess.  All that anger/frustration/upset... As I answered her I teared up and cried a little.."sniffles"... it was like a release because I had been on the verge of crying b4 and wanted to hold it in.  I think it was because of relief that someone finally voiced or acknowledged what I couldn't voice myself, that something might be wrong.  The thing about Q is that while she was near impossible to be comfortable with off the bat, I've really come to understand her better.  The good thing is that in a situation like this, where she shows her soft side (because she cares) it feels real, not done just because it's the social norm (to see someone in distress and ask how they're doing).  And there's no "backlash" because she's not going to stigmatize you for feeling bad today.. but she also won't give you any excuses for not dealing with things in a better way .

Anyway.  Lunch afterwards was good..

It's been about a year at work.  Things got a lot better after the new person was hired in March, and I started a "stress-free" Post-it system after returning from vacation in May .. which has made work tons better.  I do get a lot of stuff to do, because I keep catching up and it pushes them to teach me new things.  But more responsibilities means a lot of stuff automatically comes to me now even when I do have stuff to do.  So far, so good, just not today when everyone decided to give me a memo saying "me first!"  And people-wise, I've come to know them better... and appreciate them beyond basic respect and benefit-of-the-doubt.

I couldn't see it coming today, but next time I will be better prepared and will not get as overwhelmed as I did today.

I'm on a horse.

Swandive.