I've had a few "coming to terms with" moments with regard to life, these days.  I was really down on Thursday... I snapped actually.  But I am grateful because in those moments when you're really down are borne chances for hope.  My bad moods are when I'm free-falling and it's when I finally hit rock bottom that I get the chance to head for the stars again..

On Friday I watched a Malcolm in the Middle episode (I refer to them as the "crazy family" and my parents know what I'm talking about).  It was the best episode ever.  I hadn't seen it before, but Malcolm solves his existentialist/metaphysical breakdown until at the last moment, he wonders why he had to learn things the hard way... that's the kind of thinking I do

Leaping onto a different note, I've thought before about people and the kind of souls they have... and I've asked myself, do I have a soul that twinkles?  Or a kind soul?  Of course, this is not for any other purposes than my entertainment, but I feel like my soul is neither.. but is it possible, possibly, to change that?

Beware: This post will contain negative thoughts.

I get a three-day weekend because I have a day off for once... I had a half day on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, and don't expect to get "school vacation" days like MLK Jr. Day or Columbus Day etc. off.  I haven't written in a while (not just on Xanga) but just in general on a computer, which I miss because it provides catharsis for me.  Which is partly because my eyes aren't any better, although thankfully the ophthamologist said my eyes are healthy.  Except they aren't.  Because my eyes are blurry.. and they stay that way until I get prolonged periods of rest.  I can't read or watch TV or go on the comp without them getting blurry.  Then there's the redness.

I'm glad I have a three-day weekend because work Monday through Friday 9 to 5, but with my commute it is more so 8-6, just makes everything "drone" onward.  It's been more than half a year at this job + I am very thankful to have this job.  But I gotta say there are lots of things about it that have made me miserable.  Lots of stuff to be thankful for in the midst of that misery, but I haven't really talked about the downs of my job.. It seems like it will be getting better now which I am hopeful for.  Hope is delightful.  But it's only when I am past the brunt of the storm, looking back, that I realize how terrible it really was.  I have a problem with 1. legitimizing and vocalizing my needs and then suffering in silence because I don't know how to get out of the downward spiral and 2. I am bad at knowing what I want, better at knowing what I should.

Anyway, work was pretty bad but I didn't know it I guess.  Relationships with your coworkers are so hugely important... I tend to mold to fit whomever I meet, retaining a core "me" of course, but nothing I did seemed to please Q.  She was rude, mean, and treated me with exasperation, contempt, and as if I couldn't ask questions.  I was a new trainee!  How was I going to learn if I couldn't ask questions?  How would I learn to do it right if you didn't provide me with complete answers?  And when you don't provide me with a complete answer, I have more questions and who do I ask.  She knows that she is "frank" and doesn't hold back on saying what she feels like saying, but she's proud that she doesn't take crap from anybody.  For so many times, she'd look at me with that squint and brows stitched together and give me a contemptuous, "What?" whenever I approached her to ask a question.  So many nerves in me.  So nervous.  But she's been there so long and she pretty much does whatever she wants.  The thing about the office is that it's small, not just physically (I am in a pig pen with three others) but there are only 8 of us.  Which means office politics.  There are 4 attorneys and 1 office manager, Q, me, and another girl.  Except she's quitting for a F/T job.  Before her we had another girl who mysteriously left for Australia over the weekend so she was fired.. Before her was a fellow UCSB-er who quit to go to grad school in Hawaii except she came back because tuition rose and she dropped out.  I have been a stable employee throughout all these changes, and I get to pick up slack while other people are training/when we're still looking for someone/when other employees get sick (I have not seen so many people get so many sicknesses over such short period of time.  I have heard of : anemia, father's chest pains, kidney infection 1, kidney infection 2, taking wrong antibiotics and nausea, the general 'not feeling well,' pulled a back muscle x2, headache, car accident (well this one was legit), breast implants (this one too), and more.  What doesn't help is the general feeling of distrust in the office.  Maybe because it's a lawyer's office.  It kinda screws me up, when someone says something, I take it at face value and the moment they leave, another employee talks about them and says they're lying or w/e.  I'm like ?!???! ... I thought they were telling the truth but you've tainted my mind...

The girl that's currently working with me, the one who's leaving for a F/T job, hit it off with Q. right away, but since it's mostly the three of us who spend the most time in the office (and we're all assistants) it kinda turned it into 2 of them versus me, at least conversation wise.  They mostly talk celebrity gossip or in Q's case she also gossips about people she knows..  It wouldn't be so bad if they talked and I did my own thing (although it's kinda lonely just thinking in my head and focusing on work) but there are some issues with who does what work.. because the boss decided whoever the new girl was would split duties with me, so she would learn both sets of stuff... but after Q. hired her, she trained her in one set, then started teaching her what she (Q) does... which meant I had to do everything by myself... and also do the other girl's stuff whenever she was out.  Also, Q. never told the girl she was supposed to pick up phones when she was training her + she'd only pick them up on the 4th or 5th ring, but I had been trained to pick it up before 3... so I am always the one picking up the phone.  I don't mind phones per se but I get exhausted and burnt out with the amount of work that ends up coming to me!  And then because the other girl's and my work is connected, that what one does impacts on what the other does, a lot of times she hasn't paid attention and does stuff wrong... not that she isn't a good worker but she doesn't take initiative and often doesn't do what she could do... like take things to a logical conclusion.. Like she'll do A if you tell her to do A.  But that's it.  She won't think, oh I should do B to tie all the loose ends up.  Which is antithetical to someone like me who pays attention to detail..

...anyhow, it's a lot of learning about how to get along with Q, I guess.  Frankly the other girl was only polite to me and never said anything to me though she's been here 5 months.  Different interests, I guess.  Why I am hopeful for a change is because Q., despite her mean streak, manages to have a soft side sometimes.. and I think she does notice that I am a good worker (which she uses to her advantage)... and I stay consistently me and even though she doesn't take a liking to me personally she can appreciate that I am a genuine person.. perhaps.  I tend to see this a lot with me because I'm a "long-term" person... I may not make a good first impression, but I try to make our friendship meaningful and to build on it, as opposed to those who may be good at introductions and first meetings but maintain the same high energy friendliness that doesn't go any deeper, even after years of being friends.. not that you're either one or the other, but just what I experience..

"Necessity is the mother of invention."
"Discontent is the first step toward progress."

"I'm not sure when it started, but somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas (holiday blues, huh), I started growing "numb" (see Alli Rogers' most recent blog entry). "Numbness" is when you're living as if behind a veil, where things are not in their sharpest colors and nothing is as vivid nor your actions as meaningful. (Part of my numbness entailed my stint of emo-ness on Facebook & me trying to rationalize through my limitations.)

As recently as last week, I read Shaun Groves' post about him being his best self when he was squeezed. I was puzzled. I wondered, "What will get me out of my numbness? When do I start being my best self regardless of whether life is squeezing me?" -- you know, how you become determined, go into overdrive, when pressure's applied? And how often that's when your best work is done?"

Well, hurray, because I've come out of that funk. And I have new goals to work toward... it feels good to be getting back on track

1. Not Letting Things Get To Me

    Snarky phone callers, coworkers' negative attitudes, an impatient supervisor… it's enough to put me in a bad mood or even tear up if it gets really bad.  Reminding myself not to take things personally doesn't have the intended effect.  But when the copier breaks down for the third time and everyone's looking at you… just shrug it off.  You don't have to invest yourself so deeply a.k.a. take it eas(ier).  You're probably making something a priority that shouldn't be one -- not at all.


2. Projecting Ability and Confidence

    You let prospective employers know at job interviews why they should hire you.  They don't know what you know about your qualifications unless you convey that to them.  Once you're hired, it's just as important to focus on your strengths over your weaknesses.  Learning the ropes for the first time can be stressful and overwhelming, but focus on what you're doing well.  Even if you do 9 out of 10 tasks well, you shouldn't let stressing out over one error to take away from the 9 excellent jobs you did do!


3. Ditching The Anxiety

    No "small vision."  That is, nitpicking, or thinking that this phone call is THE phone call that determines how the rest of your day goes, or that this conversation with your coworkers is THE conversation that makes or breaks how they relate to you.  Be bold in being yourself.  Take it one thing at a time and don't expect to see the full picture until it's completed.  Being more at ease with yourself leads to others being more at ease with you, which is likely to improve your work satisfaction.


4. Taking Myself Less Seriously

    When it comes down to "playing well with others," I have had to ignore some of my tendencies, like taking middle of the road stances and not having opinions (agree or disagree but don't not make up your mind), or voicing disagreement over insignificant details which would only serve to confuse or bring conversation to a standstill (saying something to show you're listening is fine).  It doesn't feel like "betrayal" or not being true to myself surprisingly, but feels like I’m doing something right in learning something new.




During my first three months at work, I felt some near breaking points (days when I felt most like a pressure cooker from inside).  On those days, you'd have seen me with furrowed brows + clenched jaw + mood of displeasure.  Somatization.

Somatization preceded any action I might take (or not, because of nerves).  It might have served to propel people away from me.  Mostly, I was the one suffering in silence with the thoughts of indignation, anger, and frustration.  But I'm hoping three months was the turning point for me.

Taking it easier means: never finding yourself making excuses for other people's poor behavior, esp. not blaming it on your, real or imagined, flaws.  No more fuming or suffering hurt in silence.  No more being left emotionally confused.  Less anxiety.  Less mentally-drained. Time goes by faster.  Like your coworkers better.

And I might even like my job.

1. Play well with others.

I try to let my work speak for itself, so to say, but in school there's something called class participation grade.  Some of those section leaders do not let you get away without speaking up in class.  You gotta speak up at work, too…apparently.  People like you better after they've had a decent conversation with you and a lot of times, their ideas about your work performance reflects how much they like you, how comfortable they are with you..


2. Demonstrated capabilities should = increased responsibilities.

This is because rarely people will say to you, "I noticed you've been doing a good job, how about a promotion?"  I think of it as a ping-pong ball.  At school, you're hitting the ball: taking exams, writing papers, and feedback comes from your teacher.  At work, you're going to wait a long time before the ball gets served back to you.  So if you feel you've been exceeding expectations consistently, ask for more responsibilities or a performance eval if that's where you're at..


3. Vocalize well.

I tend to react to what other people say, I’m not very good at initiating conversations.  If Conclusion #1 meant being smart about socializing with others, this one is more about practicing good communication skills.  My goals are to be clear and concise when telling the attorney about something, not to confuse coworkers when I ask them questions, and to join in Friday lunch conversation without hesitation.


4. Be in the now.

At work, there are certain things that don’t agree with me as much as I’d like them to.  For example, the lack of recycling really bugs me.  I take some paper and instead of throwing it out, I reuse it to write phone messages on.  I think in many jobs, you’re not going to have everything perfect the way you want it to be, but you can still make a difference at the moment, making decisions you believe in.  And then you can take what you learn from this job to your next, and hopefully better, job.

I didn't really know what the post-grad transition would be like for someone who didn't start grad school or have an accounting job lined up already. Alumni before me traveled: month-long European vacations, or couch-surfing nomadic meanderings across the state. They moved out of their parents'. They landed an office job. They started studying for the LSAT. Or they fell off the radar completely.

Endless possibilities. There was no "natural" course to take, so I made it up. I made over my room; I made up my mind that getting a job was my full-time job; I made up my mind that I wasn't going to move out yet.

Slowly, I've increased the time I've spent behind the wheel. Two weeks ago, I made a trip to the local YMCA with only my mom in the car. She doesn't drive, so I was effectively on my own..

After one girl left for grad school, the girl who was hired in her place proved unreliable. Throughout the changes in staff, emergencies (the latest new hire unfortunately got into a car accident), and people who are out of the office, I've shown a steady consistency in working hard and a willingness to learn.

Surely, I've done some good and some not-so-good things. Good? Finding out more about events happening in the neighborhood in the process of getting acclimated. Bad? Walking two miles under the midday sun and getting a headache.

Like a song, laying the foundation with a simple chord progression, adding the twinkling and soaring melodies, the bridge, then the chorus, overlaying it with harmonies..

Like Season 9 of Dancing With The Stars, beginning with a foxtrot and Viennese waltz, but branching out into more complicated footwork, rhythms, and partner coordination..

Like preparing a meal, first an inspiration, then a meal plan, next the ingredients, the flurry of activity, the serving of homemade goodness atop a dining table..

..the song will delight..

..the dance will amaze..

..the food will satisfy..

And slowly, steadily, and surely, the course will become clear..

A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian at the desk, "Bok!"  She pauses momentarily and reaches for a book and puts it under the chicken's wing.  The chicken walks down the steps and out the door.

The next day, the same chicken walks into the library and up to the librarian's desk and says, "Bok, bok!"  The librarian raises her eyebrows and reaches for two books and places both under the chicken's wings.  The chicken walks down the steps and out the door.

The following day, the chicken walks into the library and up to the desk.  It says, "Bok, bok, bok!"  The librarian is puzzled but reaches for three books and places two under one wing and one under the other wing.  The chicken walks away but the librarian decides to follow it.  The chicken walks down the steps, out the door, across the street, through the park, up the hill, down the hill, to the pond, and there sits a frog on a lily pad.

The chicken gives the frog the three books.  The frog goes, "Redit, redit, redit!"

Hahahaha... it's funny in a cute way..